Self Medication

All I want to do is get drunk.

I'm not talking a few drinks down the pub, I'm talking mind-numbingly, liver-damagingly fucked.

I want to take drugs I haven't taken in years: I wanna get E'd up and feel happy again.

Living on my own has made me realise how little I dealt with the split from my girlfriend. God I miss her. I was listening to a Neil Young song (depressingly and self-indulgently) "Oh Lonesome Me" last night, and there was a lyric that made me cry. Something about an ex going out, having fun and charming people. I know she's not doing that though; she's as miserable as I am, and that makes it worse.

Regarding Alzheimer's: I have a terrible memory. I have a significant family history, on both sides, of dementia. I am so worried about living to fulfil this prophecy this that I just don't care about my own health anymore. I'm smoking more cigarettes than I ever have, and drinking to make myself ill.

My Grandad smoked 20 a day for about 60 years. He died of stomach cancer, directly related to smoking. The onset was quick, and although he was in pain through his final months, he died with dignity. My Grandma quit when her husband died, and we watched as she degenerated, much like my mum is doing now, into a mental wreck who had to be cared for in a home. ("Home" is kind of a euphemism though - it was more like a waiting room for the crazy train to deathsville. Like the ward in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".) She took years to die, years that caused my family pain as this woman who looked like Grandma battled with a world that had long since stopped making any sense to her.

I want Grandad's death. I want it quick and easy and with all my mental faculties intact. I no longer want children. I want no one to grieve.

Life is disappointing, it's unfair and heartbreaking, and I want to die.